


Memorandum

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Better Off Ted
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Mad Science, Office, Veridian Dynamics Cares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For this prompt at comment-fic on lj: Better Off Ted, Veronica Palmer, She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack / She is touring the facility and picking up slack</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memorandum

Hello, all:

It was very enjoyable seeing glimpses of all of you as I briskly walked through your work areas. I am certain that seeing me rush by and away from you improved your morale, which is very important to the company. The company cares about you. 

Please promptly inform Human Resources that I took the time to note how much the company cares about you. 

Are you done telling them? Then keep reading.

I noticed several changes that should be made immediately. They are as follows:

1) Many of you have extremely unattractive haircuts. While the company cannot legally comment on your faces, I would suggest that a proper haircut is the least that some of you could do.

2) Many of you are simply peeling off and throwing away the sentient moss that has been growing on your desks and chairs. Phil and Lem are very distressed about this situation, since they feel that this will hurt the moss' feelings. Also, throwing rapid-growing, highly invasive sentient moss into the garbage and releasing it into the outside world could leave the company vulnerable to lawsuits from nosy, disgusting environmentalists. 

3) The emotion control caps provided to you by the company are for your benefit to help you focus only on generating profit. Please do not remove the caps in order to make personal calls, to "socialize," or to otherwise engage in unprofitable behaviors.

4) Many of you have nicknames that others in the office like to call you. These nicknames are often several times longer than the original name, such as using "Jimboreeno" for "Jim." This practice seems inefficient. Also, it is inappropriate for subordinates to have nicknames before their superiors. I will expect a highly flattering nickname by the end of the day.

5) I know that many of you have complaints about the new secure login system for the office computers. While it does take an extra few seconds to log on, it is worth it for the added security it provides. Again, simply tie the security cord around your neck and wait until it tightens enough to read your biometrics. You may call for help if the security cord does not stop tightening. Please be aware that tech support estimates a 5 hour wait and that you might want to turn the computer off and then on again. Unless this makes the computer kill you faster, in which case you shouldn't have done that.

6) I have decided that the colors puce, orange, green, and ecru lack the sophistication that this company deserves. Please make sure your clothing, desk supplies, hair, and medications do not come in any of these colors. 

7) I overheard many complaints about sleep deprivation when you thought I wasn't eavesdropping. You should remember that I'm everywhere. Like the air you breathe. Or that you would breathe if the office weren't filled with "Cair," Veridian's new alternative to air, specifically made for commercial environments. Anyway, to address this problem, we will all be taking power naps every afternoon. Please make sure to sign the Waiver that acknowledges the slight possibility of undergoing experimental procedures while asleep. While I of course cannot make guarantees, it is highly unlikely that you will be turned into a cat-person due to the litterbox issues we all remember from last spring.

Thank you for your prompt compliance with these demand-requests.

Your leader,   
Veronica Palmer


End file.
